Nashville Magician | Rodney Kelley | Magic Shows Nashville | Balloon Artist Nashville, Tennessee

Thursday, September 21, 2017

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How a poorly placed sticker can change everything...‏

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Oh No - Blonde Jokes!

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
 

 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

Before Green - What a Thought!

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older
 woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic
 bags weren't good for the environment.

 The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing
 back in my earlier days."

 The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today.
 Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for
  future generations."


 She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its
 day.

  Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles
  to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
  sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and
  over. So they really were recycled.

  But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

  Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we
  reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage
  bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our
  schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books
  provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our
  scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown
paper bags.

 But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.

  We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
  store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't
  climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two
  blocks.

  But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

  Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
  throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling
  machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry
  our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes
  from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

  But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in
  our day.

  Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
  room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief
  (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In
  the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
  electric machines to do everything for us.
  When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded
  up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble
  wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just
  to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We
  exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run
  on treadmills that operate on electricity.

  But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

  We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup
  or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled
  writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced
  the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor
  just because the blade got dull.

  But we didn't have the green thing back then.

  Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their
  bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a
  24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an
  entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.
  And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed
  from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the
  nearest burger joint.

  But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old
  folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

  Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
  lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...

  We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
  to piss us off.
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